Andrew McTaggart, 1982-2005

What crimes have you committed, demanding such a penance?

That couldn't wait for five more minutes and a cry for help?

'Cause this room is so peaceful and this room is so quiet.

And I hate the silence...

And I can't walk the center aisle.

-- "Center Aisle," by Caedmon's Call

I met Andrew McTaggart last winter, when I began playing in a weekly poker game out in Falls Church. He quickly became on of my favorites among the regular crew. The 23-year-old kid was enthusiastic and funny, perpetually in a good mood. He told wonderful stories about growing up in Australia, and he'd brag about how the U.S. Navy Seals had nothing on he and his friends in the Aussie Special Forces. McTaggart taught me a lot about poker and he constantly encouraged me as I was preparing for last June's 10K run and my abortive summer backpacking trip. Around early August, Andrew quit coming to our poker games. He'd been dating a pretty co-ed from Penn State and decided to leave his job with the Australian embassy so that he could live close to her in State College, Pennsylvania.

That was the last I'd heard from McTaggart until today, when one of the guys emailed the news of his death. Apparently, he and Jessie had recently fallen on difficult times. Their relationship had pushed to the breaking point, and she was ready to end it. A few evenings ago, they were having an impassioned exchange via text messages, when Andrew suddenly stopped all communication. Jessie called his phone, but he didn't pick up. Concerned, she drove to his house, where she found that he had taken his own life. She tried to revive him, but it was no use. He was gone.

I've been asked to sing at the memorial service on Saturday. I've sung at many a funeral before. I even sang at a suicide funeral once - I didn't even know the teen, and it was still one of the most difficult events of my entire life. But nothing... nothing... compares to the challenge of singing for a friend who has killed himself. How do I choose a song? How can I try to minister to these people, all of whom feel the same failure that I feel because Andrew didn't know to call us for help? What comfort can I provide that God's grace might be sufficient to cover the sin of willful self-destruction? I don't know. I just don't know.

If you have any useful thoughts, whether they deal with song ideas (I'm tossing around "Just As I Am"), or words that I'll be able to share with his other friends, I'd really appreciate your input.

[UPDATE 10/18/2005: It has been brought to my attention that McTaggart's family has not been discussing the circumstances around Andrew's death. Had I known about their sensitivity and the likelihood that Andrew's Australian friends and family might stumble upon my blog, I would have been more circumspect in telling this story. I want to respect their feelings in this difficult time. I have made the decision not to elaborate on or withdraw anything that I have already written in these two posts. If you are one of Andrew's friends from Australia, please accept my sympathies in your grief, but please direct any questions about his death to his family. Thanks.]