Jen

If the past few months have revealed anything about me, it is the fact that I am a flawed person. Particularly in regard to a couple of the relationships that are dearest to me, I've been unbelievably selfish, short-sighted, presumptuous, and condescending. These things, amplified by pride and stubbornness, have caused me to inflict numerous injuries on others even as I was completely (and perhaps willfully) blind to the havoc I was causing. I am terribly, terribly sorry for this, and I want to do everything I can to bring healing where I have been causing harm.

In particular, I need to apologize to Jen. For seven months she patiently tried to persuade me to work with her as a partner in our relationship. But I don't like to rely on other people - even when they only want to help. So I consistently refused to think of the two of us as a team. I insisted that I would be my own man, regardless. And worst of all, I threw up barriers around my heart in order to keep her at arm's length, fending her off no matter how hard she tried to love me. That finally led to me breaking up with her about a month ago, because I would not let myself love her and I had convinced myself it was really "for her own good."

I held on to that conviction for a long time. I pray that it wasn't for too long.

Last week, all of my carefully maintained defenses crumbled around me. It became apparent to me, with the suddenness of a thunderbolt, how wrong I have been, how poorly I've acted, and how horribly I've hurt her. And in the sorrow and remorse that I felt in the wake of that epiphany, something entirely new dawned within me. My heart opened up in a way that I'd previously been so careful to prevent, and I realized that I love her.

I love her for the strong, amazing, beautiful woman that she is. I love her for her passionate commitment to God and the way that it compels her selflessly to serve others. I love her for her fantastic sense of humor and her keen inteligence. I love her for the fun that we have always have together and for how she blends so seamlessly with my friends and family. I love talking to her, learning from her, and worshipping with her. And I love her for putting up with me so long, even when I was doing everything I could to push her away.

The irony, of course, is that this realization comes after I've made so many horrific mistakes. I fear that I've made so many that Jen may not be willing to give me another chance to prove that I can be the man that she always knew I could be. It will take an awful lot of work to overcome the damage that I've already done, but it is a task to which I'm committed, heart and soul.

The Difficult Kind
by Sheryl Crow

I think I was wrong
I think you were right
All my angry words
Will keep me up at night

Through the old screen door
I still hear you say
"Honey, won't you stop
Treating me that way."

If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I'd no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
'Cause babe I've changed

Tell it to me slow
Tell me with your eyes
If anyone should know
How to let it slide

I swear I can see you
Coming up the drive
There ain't nothing like regret
To remind you you're alive

If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I'd no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
'Cause babe I've changed

I crossed the canyon a thousand times
But never noticed what was mine
What youll remember of me tonight
Well, it almost makes me cry
Yeah, it almost makes me cry

Oh ballbreaking moon and ridiculing stars
The older I get, the closer you are
Don't you have somewhere that you need to be
Instead of hanging here making a fool of me

If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I'd no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
But you won't see the change in me

If you could only see
What love has made of me
But I'll forever be in your mind
The difficult kind
But you won't see, no you wont see
The good in me
But babe I've changed
Cause babe I've changed